Aoibheann Likes 


...Holiday sunsets. 

Those who breath shallow live shallow. 

...painting by numbers 

:ABOVE:-.....Aoibheann, really blossoming. 

...the illusion of democracy 

LEFT: - Aoibheann's surprise at the madness of British politics...whilst wearing swimming goggles. 

...water - A prerequisite of life 


ABOVE:...trying to escape her parents 

...racial equality 

... to find amusement where men find little 

ABOVE: ...encounters 
RIGHT:...blingin' it. 
RIGHT & FAR RIGHT:...visiting William Wilberforce's house, Hull. 

...theme parks with fun yellow slides. 


...a snooze. 

...pretend prison. 

...Mum's makeup. 

...using her initiative to make a great toy from two boring ones. 

...fighting for a good cause in the name of freedom. 

...using an excuse to watch far too much television. 

...pretending to like crap rides. 

...preparing for hot sunny days 

.....and playing with hose pipes. believe there is another way. 

...Mum too 



...the kind of shit people say in a pub. 

It's a whole new world of fantasy and bigotry down the local boozer.  
Aoibheann knows all too well that intriguing stories are born and breed in the pub. So, if you want to know exactly how the world works, you need to take a walk to your local public house and converse with a bunch of ageing biggots who have nothing better to do with their lives than pontificate and draw ridiculous conclusions based on a lack of empirical evidence, the Daily Mail, and a racist ideology developed four-hundred years ago.  

...Being Right.  

Aoibheann believes that brutal honesty is the way forward. 
ABOVE: ...Moonwalking. 
RIGHT: ...Innovative Garden Products. 
ABOVE: ...The unpredictability of Sterling. 
LEFT: ...Pringles - once you start... 

...Mocking a mediocre performance by an England team full of millionaires. 

LEFT; Equality. 

RIGHT: ...Likes to think she'll have the maturity to ignore nationally notified days like Father's Day. 

...Being used as a Drugs Mule 

Aoibheann - transporting cocaine across the Mexican border whilst trafficing illegal immigrants. 
It's amazing what extent some parents will go to, in an attempt to make their children successful. 
#drugsmule #peopletrafficing #economicindicators 
#cocaine #campervan #rv 

The Wild West. 

Aoibheann finds a special park with an 1800's 'Wild West' saloon bar. 
This is great preparation for children who may decide to transport themselves back in time at some point, and relive the days of fist fights, gun slinging, the gold rush, John Wayne, denim-clad men being dragged through dusty streets by men on horseback, injustice, and towns made completely of wood. 
#aoibheannsSuite #saloonbar #wildwest #kangaroocourt #saloondoors 
#goldrush #cantinabar #denim #whiskey #gunslinger #johnwayne 


Not something her parents would encourage, but a less permanent version can be fun. 


Aoibheann's Hemlock Happening. 
#aoibheannsSuite #hemlockhappening 
#hemlockstone #pagan #sacrifice 
#nottinghamshire #outdoors #backpacker #hills 


As soon as they hit 2, the defiance starts. They start developing that side of their character which often displays itself as a spoilt little shit. 

Game Of Thrones. 

Well, when she's older she'll love it. Who doesn't? 

LEFT: Taking Daddy's Glasses.  

RIGHT: Crap Kinder Toys - Surprise! 


The writing is on the wall for Aoibheann. 

Getting High On Grass 

Weedy Aoibheann, enjoying freshly cut grass and newly polluted air from the nearby motorway. 
#grass #high #green #weed #pink #summertime 

A Posh Naughty Step 

Aoibheann - sent to the 'naughty step' in her period residence, amidst fine wines, leather-bound encyclopedia, mahogany furniture, and unwanted members of the Royal family. 
When it suits, the naughty step can be a pleasurable inconvenience. 
#aoibheannsSuite #parenthood #naughty #upperclass #inheritance #royalty #wollatonhall #theleisureclass 


Aoibheann's good for nothing 'Green Bums' gardening service - 
Within weeks, Aoibheann will transform any lush, verdant garden into a barren, featureless wasteland. READ MORE... 

That 'Flock of Seagulls' look. 

Aoibheann - wishing she had a photograph... 

British Climate Hilarity 

Yep, it's hilarious. You certainly wouldn't pay for it, and the only way to avoid it is to move further south through France or across the Atlantic, towards the Caribbean. 
It ain't gonna change, so get used to it. However, it does provide great headlines. 


Sometimes, one coffee just isn't enough. 


Just like other children and stroppy adolescents, rather than making the most of her life, Aoibheann prefers to do nothing more than take pictures of herself, to remind others on social media sites what she still looks like. 
Instead of relaxing with family and friends; just enjoying the moment, Aoibheann has to make an attempt to stop time and get the bloody camera out for a selfie. 
Just imagine how much time the kids of yesteryear had on their hands, until mobile phones, inbedded with a photo-taking facility, were invented. 

Dressing Like An Eccentric 

Only God Can Judge Her Now - 
Aoibheann decides to finish her party outfit off with pink mittens and a yellow toothbrush. 
No rest for party-hard Aoibheann 
#aoibheannsSuite #partyhard #cleanteeth 

Gothic Art 

Aoibheann's style has detracted from vibrancy to melancholy. 
Her pastel shades have turned somewhat tar-esk and her scenes now depict gloomy, harsh, unenlightened conditions faced by Medieval orphans, Wilfred Owen and John McCarthy. 
#aoibheannsSuite #lebanon 
#wilfredowen #gothic #artforartssake 

Data Theft Alerts 

Audacious thief triumphantly absconds with large data haul. 
Dressed only in flamboyant Mini Mouse overalls and pink Peppa Pig slippers, the thief calmly walks away from the scene with more data than Microsoft. 
Worryingly, internet crime is on the increase, and with today's sophisicated cyber-criminals working to become more deviant, thank God for the reassurance that we can be told on-line when our data is stolen 
#aoibheannsSuite #datatheft #peppapig #minimouse 


An unfathomable mess: mess without fathom. 
Aoibheann's Ocean of Colours - using the combined techniques of Van Gogh and Jackson Pollock, Aoibheann creates an incomprehensible mess. 


During an introduction to jelly, Aoibheann, was perplexed by the process of this bizarre creation. 
It doesn't look edible but it is tasty-sweet. It has a soft, chemical feel to it, as if it belongs in a laboratory under strict supervision. And then, it expands in water to form something even more objectionable. 
The whole system of jelly was just too much and surreal for Aoibheann to comprehend. She had to sit down and relax with a George Orwell book to get over the experience. 
#aoibheannsSuite #jelly #hellokitty #georgeorwell 


'Toddler Turns Into Tangy Tortilla.' 
After discovering a lifetime supply of cheesy tortillas, Aoibheann is slowly transforming into a corn snack. 
#aoibheannsSuite #tortilla #snack 


With so much in the world to consider, Aoibheann doesn't know whether to consume her day with thoughts of fashion and food, or whether she should be more concerned with inequality and the fact that the UK spends more money on ring tones than it does trying to fund 'fusion' as an alternative to fossil fuels. 
#aoibheannsSuite #nuclearfusion #inequality #fossilfuels #contemplating #misdirectedworld #celebratingmediocrity 
First Snow. 
Aoibheann In Hoth 
Pathetic Snowman. 

Havana Club -The Rum - El Ron 

On behalf of her father, Aoibheann would like to announce that the aforementioned brand is far superior to that Puerta Rican stuff that masquerades as Cuban. 
#havanaclub #bacardi #aoibheannsSuite #ron #rum 
Above:- Aoibheann - jammin' at the N.E.C. with Led Zeppelin and Morrissey. 
#aoibheannsSuite #ledzeppelin #morrissey #drums #bruin #zildjian 

The Bigger Tree 

Despite the fact that the emirical evidence suggests that the tree on the right is the tallest, people still argue against that fact. 
Sometimes, we have to accept that people will not change their opinions, no matter what - that's just the bigotry.  
#aoibheannsSuite #bigtree #bigotry 
#toryscum #careerpoliticians #annasoubry #cuba 
Aoibheann, freakishly comforted by wearing lanyards at home. 
#aoibheannsSuite #lanyards 

Inventing Stuff 

"Aoibheann, what can you make of this?" 
With the electronics skills and imagination of an eight-year-old Japanese kid, Aoibheann has transformed a Tommee Tippee, 'closer to nature', digital ear thermometer into a mobile telephone and a universal remote control. It also measures obesity levels in English coastal towns, predicts hurricanes, economic failure, and inept Tory politicians. 
#aoibheannsSuite #tommeetippee #closertonature #earthermometer #airplane #hat #terradactyl #broach 
#technology #davidcameron #annasoubry #obesity #skegness #seaside #remotecontrol #careerpoliticians #inequality #rain #lakemonsters #porridge 

Sending Stuff Off 

Aoibheann, dressed as an early 1970's football referee. 
Rather than cautioning a slightly balding Charlton, stopping the game after a cynical challenge from Bremner, or sending off Chopper Harris, she's sending off the following: 
#poverty #inequality #obesity #racism #greed #davidcameron #donaldtrump #xfactor #walmart #unitedfruitcompany #cocacola #mcdonalds #capitalism #starbucks #terrorism #nepotism #childabuse #nuclearweapons 
#consumerism #violence #materialism 


Stapleford Lidl: Was it a Lidl better for you? 
#aoibheannsSuite #lidl 
Loquacious Lady from Long Eaton Lividly Laments Lingering Lacklustre Lidl Laziness. 
It seemed like any other laborious shopping trip for Lily at Lidl, but Lidl did she know, her bill was lower than ever. It's no Lidl surprise for Lily who often frequents Lidl in Stapleford. - 
"The other week they had no milk; today it's cereal, cucumber, cheesecake, curry, Cashback and cod, " she said. "My shopping bill is the least it's ever been; for all the wrong reasons. My journey is positively pointless. I planned to purchase a plethora. I'm not particularly penniless, but my perceived plans have perpetually plunged. I'm profoundly pissed. This lack of purchasing power is pitiful." 


Aoibheann - Showing her creative side by preparing to recreate Van Gogh's late nineteenth century masterpiece, 'Cafe Terrace at Night'. 
Predominating facilitating three core colours, Aoibheann wishes to capture all the decadence and filth of the late nineteenth century. 
#aoibheannsSuite #vangogh #cafeterraceatnight 
#colours #painting 


Above: - Aoibheann, finding the fun. 
It might be downhill from here but she's good; we're good; it's all great! 
Life is full of ups and downs, and children experience this fact from a very young age. Injuries, frustrations, patience, and disappointments are all part of growing up, and the children's slide is testament to these adversities. 
Having the patience to queue with other children and learning to wait for the slower children at the top brings out a virtue that Aoibheann fails to understand. Life is too short to wait for other children. She's got sliding to do, as well as other important things. 
The danger of slipping down the ladder, even before the fun part begins, prepares us for the working week in adulthood. We suffer the indignity and fatigue of working all week for some idiot socieopath, before finally receiving a stipend that picks us up and makes the ride all worthwhile. The working week is the climb; the things we purchase with the money we make is the enjoyable slidding down part. 
One thing Aoibheann appreciates is that you should never be to hard on yourself. The race is long. Everyone's choices are all half-chances. Just enjoy the ride and don't regret anything that happened along the way to make the ride possible.  

Names For Andrew Lloyd-Webber 

#scumsuckingmotherfuckereatshitandfuckingdieyoudirtybitch #tory 

To celebrate the failed attempt of Tory Millionaire and wrong-headed shit-bag Andrew Lloyd-Webber to further impoverish the poor, Aoibheann has compiled a short list of names that best describes this deplorable man's appearance. Please feel free to choose a favourite or add your own:- 
Fire Damaged Lego 
Abandoned Hoover Bag 
An Unloved Balloon 
Used Rectal Thermometer 
A Forgotten Bagpipe 
A Bloodhound's Scrotum 
Unwanted Somalian Raisin 
Painter's Radio 
ABOVE: 21st October, 2015 - "Oh, no! In 2015, despite the death of Thatcher, British people are still voting for the Conservative Party!" 

Back To The Future 

Three Decades of Technological Advancements. 
Who could have predicted the life we are now living in the first fifteen years of the 21st century? 
We are still slave to the combustion engine, as we continue to revere a form of transport that still relies on fossil fuels; car vanity has well and truly rendered the earth void of natural resources for many years to come and, as for the prediction of a hover board, the closest thing we have come to runs slower than a mobility scooter carrying an obese pensioner, laden with pook pie, ham, and cake. The Oxboard is not only pointlessly static, it actually costs more than a mobility scooter. A 1970's scate board is still more efficient, cheaper, and much quicker. 
The only thing that has progressed is this: social media. We can now socialise with groups of people all over the world at the touch of a button, and never actually meet them and have a proper conversation. The Internet has linked us inextricably closer and yet people are lonelier than ever. Sitting in a basement, with millions of online followers, eating KFC and drinking gin, an individual doesn't have to move an inch to be as influencial as a dictator in Central America. 
There is no time machine, but this is the future. 
#aoibheannsSuite #fluxcapacitor #backtothefuture #topgear #oxboard #socialmedia #2015 


Barbie isn't as young as she used to be in the 70's. 
It's sour times for Barbie. All she has left are memories of yesterday and vintage sherry. Stuck in that overcrowded nursing home in Malvern, Barbie reminisces of her years gone by with Ken, her one and only true love - before he turned to the alcohol and went mad - and she now considers throwing herself off the balcony, in an attempt to end her bitter sadness and those long, incontinent-filled days. 

Clinging To The Past 

As someone with a father who is a Nottingham Forest fan, Aoibheann is used to the fact that some people live in the past. In particular, she lives with someone whose head is still in the late seventies. He reveres a time when his team won two back-to-back European Cups in '79 and '80. Apparently, this is a big deal. He believes that this status from the past should still hold value and automatically ascend his team to the dizzy heights of Premiership Disneyland, where hog roasts and multi-¬£million sponsorships deals exist alongside uneducated teenagers with too much money and dictatorships from TV networks. 
Aoibheann reckons they are just a couple of old cups that are pretty meaningless in the scheme of things. I mean, it's not exactly a Nobel Peace Prize. Aoibheann also likes to point out that this 'Cloughie' fella didn't exactly receive a Canonisation.  
However, if you think that is lame, check this out: 
This insignificant little village, on the edge of provincial Ilkeston, won a coveted award a lifetime ago (1951), and they still feel they should mention it on a letterhead.  
ABOVE:: Trowell Village: Not exactly Chipping Norton, and it doesn't really matter. 

Walking The Dog 

LEFT: Aoibheann's introduction to the crazy contradictions of pet economics. 
Pets are an economic indicator, like cocaine. As income increases so does spending on cocaine and canines. Nearly every other UK household now owns a pet, and we readily welcome animals into our homes but rarely do we even consider the commitment of adopting one of the circa 70,000 children that are currently in the care system in this country -  
It is ridiculously difficult to adopt a child - the authorities see to it that even the most stable and adequte of parents are put through the mill for a couple of years before they can finally get to work nurturing and loving a child that is not their own. Likewise, it is relatively easy to own an animal. The breaders ensure that there is a constant supply of strays, as they happily keep churning out animals for profit without even considering the ramifications of their abundant pool. The statistics are shameful. According to crazy Mexican dog whisperer, Cesar Millan, throughout the world, there are over 600 million stray animals on the streets - And when you consider that America's most common prayers to God last year were self-preserving - some even pray for Taylor Swift - it does make you wonder what sort of world Aoibheann is walking her dog into - 
This year, for the very first time ever, global spending on pets will surpass $100bn! In the UK alone, we will spend ¬£5bn on pets this year - because some people have so much spare cash that they can afford to feed themselves, their family, and a creature of another species. 
The average Norwegian spends $640 on dog food, a year - the average Egyptian doesn't even earn $600 a year. Saudi Arabia has only one dog per 9,400 people and the Vietnamese have loads of dogs but only spends $0.06 a month to feed it - probably because poor pooch ends up on the menu and redeems any initial outlay. 
If Aoibheann is going to continue to walk her dog, she must realise the global ramifications of pet ownership. 

Late Summers 

There is nothing quite like it: waking up in late October on a morning that resembles mid-June. Mild south-westerly winds and high pressure building in the Azores assures we can still maintain some heat in the house and keep the gas bill down to a minimum until Christmas.  
All we need in the UK is a little encouragement from Mother Nature and we can all enjoy a year outdoors like the rest of Europe.  
LEFT: With the good fortune of a mild winter and an early spring, Aoibheann could easily be convinced that she is living in Lisbon. 


Like most children, Aoibheann loves wide open sandy beaches, where she can run and dig like a dog. 
Life's a beach when you are only a few years old. 
If your little ones are lucky enough to get the opportunity to experience sunny days with friends, family, and tons of naturally occurring granular material, composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles, the days are short and a lung full of fresh air will almost certainly ensure that your child is knocked out until at least 0500 hours. 
RIGHT:- Aoibheann's first sand. 
Nearly there. I have toiled to fill this jar from South America to South East Asia. As anticipated, Algarve sand is as golden as Cairo (see comparison colour). 
I would like to say a huge thanks to the Turkish government for placing me on some kind of register for taking 'forbidden' sand, like some sort of granule paedophile. You are the only country in the world to stop me. Other Muslim countries allowed me sand, including Tunisia, Gambia, Egypt and Malaysia - so you can't blame Allah. I would also like to apologise to Venezuela, Argentina, Chile, Ibiza, Mauritius, Formentera, Senegal, several small islands in the Caribbean, Hull, Skegness, France and Mainland Spain for not exploiting your beaches. I always thought I would be back like Arnie. 
There is room in the giant jar for maybe two more beaches, and I hope Aoibheann will continue the collection as she grows to appreciate that a passport is the greatest gift of all when you live in the UK. 
This idea was inspired by the film 'Saving Private Ryan', and any similarity in beaches is purely coincidental. 

Good Graffiti 

Is there such a thing as good graffiti?  
You may diasagree and firmly believe that the damp concrete void that hangs beneath a motorway service bridge deserves to be left well alone. Others would find a touch of colour and the odd, strongly worded, political message quite appealing. 
Bristol, the home of reknowned street artist, Banksy, refers to its sprayed streets as a 'rich culture', and even hosts tours of the city to witness its international displays - 
The Daily Mail even wrote an article on some of the very impressive, Banksy inspired work. See for yourself: - 
LEFT: Well, Aoibheann believes that graffiti is one thing, but crap graffiti is just more depressing than the dull, damp brink wall with its grey metal cladding. 
When the effort lacks colour and clarity, and even the lines are uneven, it's just uninspiring vandalism.  
Aoibheann asks, do some vandals really lack imagination these days, or are they just crap? 

A Normal Sized Peach 

'James and the Giant Peach', a popular children's novel written by Roald Dahl, in 1961, is a bizarre story about James Henry Trotter, a 4 year-old, who lives with his parents until they are killed by an escaped rhinoceros.  
Tales of cruelty, force feeding, and strange old men follow as James is forced to live with his two cruel aunts.  
For three years, the poor kid is beaten for no apparent reason, improperly fed, and forced to sleep on bare floorboards in an attic. The inept Social Services, as usual, fail to intervene, and one summer afternoon, after more mistreatment, James stumbles across a strange old man, who gives him the recipe of a magic potion which, when consumed, will bring him happiness and great adventures. James spills the principal ingredients onto a barren peach tree, which then produces a single peach as large as a Tory mansion. The greedy and malicious aunts then sell tickets to neighbors for capitalist profit.  
Aoibheann finds it a depressing little book, and is amazed it's so highly regarded as one of the must read children's books of all time. It's just filling children's heads with nonsense and the illusion of the happy-ever-after. 
As any honest old person will tell you, there is no such thing as happy endings - especially when the Tories are in town - unless you have loving parents with a vast knowledge, wealth, ethics, a good DNA and an ability to instill a healthy lifestyle based on 'being' and not 'wanting'. Once any child has those beginings, he/she doesn't have to waste energy being concerned with poverty and parental abuse. 
As for the prediction of a hover board, the closest thing we have runs slower than a mobility scooter. The Oxboard is not only pointlessly static, it actually costs more than a mobility scooter. A 1970's scate board is still more efficient, and much quicker. 
The only thing that has progressed is this: social media. We can now socialise with groups of people all over the world at the touch of a button, and never actually meet them and have a proper conversation. The Internet has linked us inextricably closer and yet people are lonelier than ever. Sitting in a basement, with millions of online followers, eating KFC and drinking gin, an individual doesn't have to move an inch to be as influencial as a dictator in Central America. 
There is no time machine, but this is the future. 

The 'Back To The Future' Trilogy 

Aoibheann asks. during three decades of technological advancements, who could have predicted the life we are now living in the first fifteen years of the 21st century? 
We are still slave to the combustion engine, as we continue to revere a form of transport that still relies on fossil fuels. Car vanity has well and truly rendered the earth void of natural resources for many years to come. 
#aoibheannsSuite #fluxcapacitor #backtothefuture #topgear #oxboard #socialmedia #2015 

The Humble Conker 

The tree outside Aoibheann's house is still full of conkers - mid-October.  
Why hasn't the tree been raped of its bounty? Where are the children with their weapons to throw at the tree? Is the conker a victim of the Playstation culture, or have the schools banned them in some sort of Health and Safety paranoia? 
Question of the day: Do children still play conkers? 

....To Remind Some Dog Owners That Dog Sh%t Is Disgusting 

Aoibheann would like to congratulate the filthy piece of shit who has allowed his/her mutt to filthy the path with pieces of shit, on the Trowell Park Estate.  
Your dog has managed such range, and right in the middle of the path too, almost covering the entire width. I hope you are proud of yourself and satisfied with the Blitzkrieg of animal faeces your pet has administered in such an inappropriate area. 
Aoibheann has to walk on that path, you wrong-headed imbecile. Just because you own an animal less superior than other mammals, it doesn't mean you should behave as if you are also inferior to humanity and small primates.  
As a token of her appreciation - if Aoibheann finds out who is responsible for the mess - she will rise early one morning to smear the dog owner's property with the fresh contents of her nappy, and inform the local Vietnamese restaurant that the organically cornfed dog is in the window and is for sale. 


RIGHT: "Quickly father, the farmer will not take kindly to trespassers." 
Apparently, according to Swiss philosopher, writer and composer, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, humanity started to go wrong the moment ownership was invented.  
As soon as someone decided that a piece of land was solely theirs to defend, life's progression was somewhat, selfishy, sliding negatively downwards. 

...Treating Her Father Like A Piece Of Furniture 

If a girl is not disciplined from a young age, she will treat her father like a door mat -  
LEFT: Here is Aoibheann, treating her father like a park bench. 

...A Good Night Out 

RIGHT: Aoibheann, experiencing the shame and indignity of a 'good night out'. 
Clinging to the sofa, a semi-conscious Aoibheann will not recall the night before, and she will secretly promise herself not to make the same mistakes twice. 

...Sleepless Nights 

Little does she know it, but sixteen months later, Aoibheann's Dad is still recovering from the birth. 
Will Dad ever feel refreshed and well-slept again? 
"Aoibheann, have you seen what happens when you run your father ragged in the sun?" -  
RIGHT: A little girl is asleep far too early (18.35 hrs). Here's to being woken at 2am.  

The Satisfaction Of Justice 

The corruption of large corporations is rarely exposed. We all know how often humans are selfishly driven by greed, and there is no more of a scandal than that of FIFA. Aoibheann is pleased that the case appears to be unfolding in a way that every crook involved could eventually be held accountable for the surreptitious and immoral goings on at football's governning body. 
Right:- Aoibheann, just before signing her application form for Sepp Blatter 's job as FIFA president. She believes she has all the right attributes for the role as she lacks a moral compass, knows nothing about football, and only speaks a few words of English. 

Lunch On Bruce Wayne's Back Garden. 

Aoibheann, enjoying lunch against the bracing wind, on the moor beneath Bruce Wayne's mansion. She was visiting the billionaire crime fighter in an attempt to trace his family tree, via his great uncle John, the cowboy builder. 

Optimism (noun) - hopefulness and confidence about the future or the success of something. 

"If I duck down, like this, do you think he'll miss?" -  
Aoibheann, confident that Robin Hood's ability as an archer is nothing more than a myth. 
The nineteenth-century German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, once wrote that we should remain pessimistic our entire lives in order to avoid disappointment. To avoid the feelings that hurt us most, we should safeguard ourselves by being alert to the potential negatives of loss and failure that regularly surround us If we do so, we shall find ourselves even more overwhelmed with delight when something positive finally happens in our lives.  
There is a likelihood that Aoibheann will reach 100 years of age and, to help her achieve this milestone, the medical professionals advise us to be 'positive' - 
Apparently, according to the Daily Express, a positive mind also helps us avoid heart attacks - 
There is also a positive spin - no pun intended - on the way we think and what we achieve in life. There is evidence to suggest that those of us who think more positively live positively, and those who do are far more successful than those of us who think more negatively - 


Apparently, we are a nation of people who get into debt to feed our desire to socialise (see link): - 
"Come on, Dad. I can see the pub from here." -  
Aoibheann, apparently uninterested in Nottingham's most famous historical attraction, but somehow drawn to the gathering of people supping ale. 

Band On The Run 

ABOVE:- An all star cast on the album cover. 
Recording of the album took place in sub-standard condition in the EMI studio in Lagos, Nigeria. The McCartney's were also robbed at knifepoint in the exotic locale. 
Paul McCartney's most successful album, and the top selling studio album of 1974 in the UK and Australia. 
Paul McCartney and Wings released this album in December 1973. Its commercial success was aided by two strong hit singles: the title track and 'Jet'.  
Aoibheann's favourite song is Bluebird. It's very romantic and poetic, and it also has a profound resonating effect on her father's memory of his own mother. 
RIGHT:- "Let me touch your lips with a magic kiss, and you'll be a bluebird too, and you'll know what love can do." - Bluebird 
Aoibheann, using metaphors to describe the only source of transcendent freedom. 

Tinkling On The Old Joanna 

Aoibheann, tinkling the ivories on the old Joanna; performing modern day versions of Cockney classics, such as 'Artificially replaced knees up Mother Brown'; 'My Old Man's job has been taken by a Bulgarian dustman', and 'Roll out the barrel of botox.' - with Chaz & Dave and Harry Rednapp, dining out on Jellied Eels in Margate.  
The album is due out before Christmas, only on the K-tel label. 
Aoibheann thinks she suits the piano. It's not as random as a blaster, or the drums, and her fingers are perfectly separated for easy key depression. She likes the violin and her Irish genes provide her with an inate penchant for the fiddle. 
To be musically gifted or not; that is the question. Aoibheann believes that artistic expression in music differs from the expression of the visual artists - like painters and sculptors - because music is more analytical; more mathematically minded. However, it is hoped that Aoibheann will one day enjoy a wide range of music, whether she plays an instrument or not. 
She will even be forgiven if she likes Country & Western music. 

Feng Shui 

Rearranging furniture to harmonise her surrounding environment is what Aoibheann excels at. 
There must be some spirtitual guidance, as everything Aoibheann moves systematically fits comfortably around Aoibheann's moods and her hectic lifestyle. 
Aoibheann has actually stated that it's all witchcraft, hocus religions, folk remedies and superstitions. She doesn't believe in all that twaddle, and it amazes her how people make so much money from trading in such nonsense. 
Taking nothing away from the experts, Aoibheann is the first to admit that she doesn't really understand this scientific approach to tables and chairs. However, something invented long before we understood dinosaurs, evolution, Christ and the moon, should be dealt with suspiciously. Let's face it, the Chinese were busy rearranging furniture to coincide with a harmonious universe at a time when Man still thought the earth was square and the moon was made of cheese, and pushed around the earth by a donkey. 
Left: - "Dad, you don't mind if I just take photo albums from the shelf and use them as a sofa, do you?" - Aoibheann, rearranging the house to accommodate her own retro-style of furnishing. Next week, Aoibheann makes decorative ashtrays from Blu-ray discs and a four-birth tent from the curtains. 

War of The Worlds 

'No one would have believed in the last year's of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own....' 
This peice of 'invasion literature was written by English author H.G. Wells, between 1895 and 1897. It is one of the earliest stories that detail a conflict between mankind and an extraterrestrial race. The novel is the first-person narrative of an unnamed protagonist in Surrey and that of his younger brother in London as Earth is invaded by Martians. The novel is one of the most commented-on works in the science fiction. 
The novel has been variously interpreted as a commentary on evolutionary theory, British imperialism, and generally Victorian superstitions, fears and prejudices. It has even influenced the work of scientists, notably Robert Goddard, who (inspired by the book) invented both the liquid fueled rocket and multistage rocket, which resulted in the Apollo 11 moon landing 55 years later. 
I will advise Aoibheann not to read the book but watch the 2005 film, starring Tom Cruise. Not that I encourage cinema over literature, it's just that she will be able to relate to the film more than a book that was written over 100 years ago. 
Right: Martian bubbles descending into Aoibheann's front room. 

Trowell Post Office 

It looks quaint but its seductive appearance comes at a price, Aoibheann warns.  
Don't be fooled. Parading as a village Post Office, it is in fact a useless little shop that sells over-priced biscuits and crap stationery. 
Stuck on the edge of Trowell village, between Ilkeston and a 40 minute walk from Stap[eford, it's location is neither convenient nor overly attractive. As anticipated at any normal Post Office, it doesn't provide the necessary documentation such as road tax and passport forms. Don't expect a friendly smile either. These people are far too busy relaxing for that. The staff make you feel like you have interupted their lunch by merely existing before them. And if you have any deliveries directed there - if of value - the owner will deny their existence and keep them for himself.  
Many local people have fell victim of its charming character, but be aware, you could lose more than you bargained - Trowell Post Office is a place of deceit.  

Choosing Her Own Clothes 

Aoibheann, like her mother, has developed a fetish for clothes and footwear.  
Forever changing her mind, Aoibheann becomes frustrated by choice. This is why the communist system of clothing works better: military fatigues for all...and nothing else except a sparter version which includes shiny boots and a shirt and tie beneath a nicely cut jacket.  
Choice is exhausting.  
The fashion conscious Aoibheann is the epitome of twisted vanity in an ultra-materialistic world. She doesn't need all those clothes, but she likes the idea of having them, and she couldn't imagine her life without a continued abundance of choice. 

Making sense of it all 

Like most children of her age, Aoibheann has an inquisitive mind; always exploring, absorbing information, interfering and generally sticking her nose in where it's not welcome.  
This curiosity often gets the better of her, leading to public humiliation, restraint and verbal bashings from Father. 
"Father, what is this 'cautionary wet floor' they speak of, and when will it rise up and attack us?"  

Reassuring pre-flight announcements 

"This is your captain speaking. I can assure you, the plane is in good working order and regularly maintained. I have no mental issues and so have no desire to plunge this hunk of metal into the side of any mountain or large concrete structure. You'll also be pleased to know that we are not accompanied by any religious fundamentalists today. So, Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." 


Catch of the day:- 
Today, Aoibheann is cooking a wild, line caught Nemo in a white wine sauce, with spiced lentils, orange glazed salsify and curly kale. This is served with honey glazed parsnips and minted new potatoes, which are not locally sourced due to the sheer arrogance of local farmers. 
*All allergen information is contained within the Restaurant Allergen menu. Please contact Aoibheann for details. 

The Capitalist Business Ethic 

Earlier that day, I asked Aoibheann if her eggs were purchased through a sustainable free range farmer, and this is what she told me:- 
"Get real, I'm trying to run a business here. I've got a mother and father to raise. I don't give a tuppeny-jizz whether the chickens are free range or living in small cages, trampling their own offspring to death in a pile of their dead relative's faeces. I put profit before people, and that goes for any other creature. My staff are all on zero-hours contracts - why should I care about whether then can make this month's rent or not - and they know where the door is if they don't like how I run my business."  
Aoibheann went on to say that one of the first things she was taught at Harvard Business School was that she had to possess a serial killer mentality if she wanted to survive in the competitive world of business. 
"Bill Gates and Alan Sugar didn't get to where they are today without exploiting people and cutting a few corners," said Aoibheann - 
That's why Aoibheann will be voting Conservative in this year's election. 


Life isn't Hollywood, it's Cricklewood. Home to actors and serial killers, Cricklewood 's got it all. So ethnically diverse, it could be anywhere between Yeovil and The Yemen. Only the dreary weather determines its real location. It puts to bed the myth of migrants just coming here for benefits - they are all busy working. The newsagent is Romanian, the postman is Kenyan, the butcher is Columbian, and the barber is Sweeney Todd. It's like a transitional town where nobody wants to stay. People just use it as a toilet. They do their business and then move up and on to somewhere less rank. 

Top Gear 

Although the motor car is nothing more than a bit of metal on four wheels, housing something which is the modern-day equivalent of a two-hundred-year-old combustion engine, humans just can't get enough of them - they are literally obsessed with them. 
As you will have noticed, the majority of cars have room for many passengers, but it is usually just the driver who occupies the vehicle at any given time. Although the average car spends 95% of its life parked, with the engine turned off, the car remains the second biggest financial commitment for the vast majority. 
Aoibheann has noticed that humans are slowly losing the ability to walk. With so much emphasis and reliance on the motor car, coupled with the food obsession, it's little wonder that children are becoming clinically obese by the age of ten. No longer are children walking and biking to school, they are getting chauffeur driven by parents, right up to the school gates. Years ago, people used to eat to live, nowadays children are learning the habit of living to eat.  
Taking all this into consideration, you can understand why Aoibheann finds #TopGear so ¬£#<k!ng hilarious. With those three blokes busying themselves all over the world, fussing and gloryfying the natural-resource-sucking motor car, it allows an alternative to the crap on the other channels, where the likes of Jamie Oliver and potty-mouthed Ramsey show people how to do something human beings have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years: cook and eat food. The other amazing aspect of these ridiculous shows is that the people who host them are famous and exceptionally wealthy...! 
LEFT: The BBC didn't waste any time finding a new replacement for Jeremy Clarkson. 


A photo of a photo - Aoibheann, chillin' at Sinatra's in Nottingham. 
Aoibheann enjoys the relaxed atmosphere, and likes to sit comfortably as she socialises with friends and watches the world go by with a warm glass of breast milk. 

Social Experiments 

The social experiment was a huge success. Aoibheann is now afraid of strange unfashionable men with beards. 
As soon as our children show signs that they can understand our pleas to avoid strangers, we tell them that they should embrace the time of year when one mild, late December night, a strange bearded old man enters into there room and empties his sack at the bottom of their bed! But it's o.k. because it's a ficticious man, wearing a uniform designed by Coca-Cola: a drinks company that exploits its workers, destroys the environment, and rots our children's teeth with its canned sugary treats. 
With that in mind, is it any wonder ours children's lives are fraught with the paradox of the right type of wrong. 


Like all inquisitive toddlers, Aoibheann loves nothing more than exploring, trying new things, trying her luck, and seeing what she can get away with before her parents start kicking-off and crying like babies because things aren't going the way they planned.  
As any toddler will tell you, you can't entirley mould your child into what you want it to be. I know the father of the Williams sisters will disagree, but babies are more intricate and complex than one might think. Yes, they are that blank Tabula Rasa but they will push boundaries; they are shrewd and more intelligent than parents give them credit for; their looks are designed to manipulate adults, and they know exactly what buttons to push and how to make people fall in love with them. 
Ultimately, they will lie and deceive to get their way, and they may look back one day and admit that their parents were right. But they didn't listen because they have their own individual body carrying a unique soul with a busy mind that makes them think. 
Aoibheann likes to extend her boundaries and take advantage of every opportunity to do what she feesl like doing, at any given moment. 

Adventurous Appetites 

When I expressed a desire for Aoibheann to be more adventurous with her food, I didn't expect her to go for the rack of crispy butterflies, sauteed in a rainbow flavoured butter.  
Next week, Aoibheann tries the wild squirrel starter, followed by a tethered alsatian coated in a mushroom and white wine sauce, finished off with the frozen feral goat selection. 

...pointing out ridiculous items that people buy when they have far too much money 

Aoibheann thought that Mum and Dad had gone too far when they purchased a 'bonkers' infrared video monitor, made by 'tommee tippee, to watch her and listen to her while they slept in another room...? 
However, Mum and Dad don't regret buying it; it was great peace of mind at times. 
If you think baby monitors are ludicrously over-priced and a complete waste of time, check out these utterly foolish things for people with far too much money:- 


RIGHT:- 3rd November, 2014 

Mummy's first day at work and Aoibheann and Daddy have decided to start the day with a little bit of lighthearted reading - "Once upon a time in 1889, there was a very nasty man born in Austria..." 

LEFT: - Five days later - "Dad, where's the happy ending?" - Aoibheann, looking for the bit where a pink unicorn arrives from Sugarland and saves all the Jews. 

Aoibheann says, if your head has been stuck up your ass for so long and not in a good book, here are several reasons why you should remedy that - 
Aoibheann particularly likes No.5. Her dad can't even remember what day it is because his mind is so filled up with Aoibheann-days. 


Aoibheann loves nothing more than a good sleep. Morning, afternoon or night, there is always time for a doze.  
Scientists and doctors have been harping on about the benefits of sleep for years - 
+of+a+good+nights+sleep,17681 - and there are some even more interesting facts emerging about babies snoozing in sub-zero temperatures - 
Personally, I don't think sleeping in the cold is cool; we'll give that a miss I think - eight warm hours for Aoibheann. 
Aoibheann loves her parents to give up their bed when she feels like shit. She knows that her parents sleep soundly-ish, knowing that their poorly little princess is nearby.  

Park Life 

What is this life on the park all about? 
The bright colours of the slide, swing, climbing frame and roundabout are to a toddler what the bright lights of Las Vegas are to a gambling addict with a penchant for Tom Jones. Aoibheann has been introduced to the drug and now she is hooked. Aoibheann's parents are the dealers and they are the ones now faced with the consequences of a child who just cannot get enough of the tiny recreational area. It's a supply and demand situation and, unfortunately for Aoibheann's father, the demand is much greater than the supply. There is only so much park a parent can take. 
The first of many days at the park are the easiest. It's just a bit of fun; a flirt with the unknown; something new. As soon as the addiction kicks in, there are many more dark days to follow. The hot sweats, tantrums, debates, tears, and verbal abuse are what follows over the next few rain-filled months. As a child adroitly navigates and observes a system of colourful devices within an area designed to annoy and distract adults from their daily routine, a network of schemes, plans and persuasions are taking place; emerging in the child's mind to take advantage of every opportunity to make a swift return to the location of desire. 
Once the park has a child in its 'built to British standard' grip, children are free to roam and their parents are chained to a dull monotony until their children grow old enough to see the park as nothing more than a place to meet ill-disciplined friends, smoke roll-ups, & drink cheap alcohol amidst used condoms, graffiti & rusty needles. mock people who wear skin that once belonged to an animal. 

Aoibheann feels that the need to wear animal hide is rather primitive and unneccesary. 
The reason why people first started to wear animal's skin was to stop them from freezing to death. Firstly, they would actually eat the animal - after stupidly moving away from the tropics, where nakedness was comfortably possible and everything grew in abundance - and then they walked to somewhere really cold and snowy where nothing grew except melancholy and ice, and protein was really hard to find. Therefore, it was necessary to look ridiculous in really fluffy coats and boots that once belonged to a moose or a bear. 
Nowadays, we don't need to kill animals just for their fur. 
Pictured left: - Aoibheann, wearing her favourite moleskin waistcoat. She was totally unmoved by the fact that 274 moles were sacrificed to manufacture the garment. Aoibheann concluded by saying that blind rodents are not amongst the most valued of creatures and so deserve to be shot and worn on one's back as a trophy. 
"Excellent pigeon, Mum." 

Eating Raw Road Kill 

There is something primitive but also something quite liberating about hunting one's own dinner, slaughtering it, and then ensuring that nothing goes to waste by sharing the carcass with the whole community to eat.  
Aoibheann begins to wonder at what point in her life will she cease to view the 'meat' on her dinner plate as a packaged supermarket convenience, merely for human consumption, and begin to see it as a living, breathing, mammal with DNA and feelings. At which point, she may also wish to consider life as a vegetarian. 

Creative Expression 

American actor, Kevin Bacon, once said that 'business is the Devil's work. Art & creative expression are close to godliness', and Aoibheann wouldn't disagree either. Albert Einstein also said that 'imagination is more important than knowledge', which Aoibheann has strict reservations about. However, any quote that comes from the brain of Einstein must carry a certain amount of credibility.  
The colourful wooden letters which make up her vowel-ridden name are from a fun shop in Nottingham called 'JoJo Maman Bebe' - - and Aoibheann really enjoys visiting the store and discovering something new and original. However, Aoibheann doesn't recall where the transfers are from, and likes to point out that her imagination is far more important that remembering the name of the sticker shop.  


She may not look all powerful and persuasive but she is; don't be deceived by those innocent looks. Without uttering any words, without physical force or belligerence, Aoibheann has made me fall so deeply in love with her that I could never have previously imagined that such intense emotions actually exists. She has cajoled my affections with hidden persuasion and lit something within me that I cannot quite explain. Well done Aoibheann, you now have my undivided attention and my heart is in your hand. Just don't squeeze too tightly. point out that cars are just expensive chunks of metal on four wheels. 

Sunday afternoon drivers - Aoibheann taking her Pink Cadillac for a spin. No tax, MoT, fuel, insurance, and no traffic to contend with - trouble free motoring for the little demon driver. 
Aoibheann would also like to make the point that 'Road Tax' is absolutely nothing to do with the right to use a vehicle on British roads. It's all about emissions. So, the next time your hear someone complain about a cyclist using the roads without paying a tax, just remind them that 'a bicycle doesn't f@$%!N' emit any pollution into the atmosphere'! 

Foreigner 4 

Aoibheann is the coolest chick on the planet in her '4' t-shirt. 
This album is in Aoibheann's blood. Her grandmother used to play it for hours in the mid-eighties, on a compact cassette - which Aoibheann has no concept of and will, no doubt, even question the existence of the CD in seven-years time. 
Of all the 'Foreigner' albums, this particular one is the most polished, with pulsating guitars and hypnotizing synthesizes. 'Luanne' is the most bland track on the album, but the group can be forgiven due to the array of awesome tunes that make this album a classic and one of Aoibheann's all-time favourites. In particular, 'Urgent', with its saxophone solo, and the motivating 'I'm Gonna Win', with it's intense beat and captivating guitar rythmns, are the two most outstanding tracks 
Aoibheann would also like to point out that 'Foreigner' can never be categorized as a 'heavy rock' band. They slightly swayed away from their 'soft-rock' reputation with this album - if only for a short time - but she is still conscious that the group were producing songs merely for the appreciation of a wider audience.  


"Dad, why are you wearing an Italian football shirt?" - to hide the embarrassment when they beat England at the weekend. 

Falling Asleep 

Aoibheann loves falling asleep, especially in her mother's arms at Trowell Garden Centre. It's a nice relaxing atmosphere in there; open and interesting. The staff are all very friendly to Aoibheann, and are never short of a smile or two. Falling asleep just helps Aoibheann forget how over-priced the place is.  

The reality of thunderstorms 

During today's thunderstorm, I explained to Aoibheann that the noise was just the clouds banging together. Aoibheann responded by saying, "Aristotle's ridiculous theory was denounced last century, Dad. Scientists eventually discovered that the thunder is actually a sonic shock wave caused by the rapid expansion of air as the pressure and temperature, caused by the electrostatic discharge from the energy-intensified clouds, suddenly increases."  
Kids, hey. They do have such elaborate and over-active imaginations at time. mock Premiership footballers 

Just look at the tension on Aoibheann's face, during another tense World Cup. England struggled miserably to make an impression during a mediocre first half performance. 
"Dad, why are these men paid so much for playing such an insignificant game? They don't give a toss because they are all mortgage free with the means to retire comfortably in sunshine villas with pools of champagne and hog roast dinners. The way I see it, the mass audience is attracted to the sport in the same way they are attracted to religion and the National Lottery: hope." 
Alas, the money is now bigger than the game. 


It would be unfair to say that Aoibheann likes gladiators, but she would certainly admit to being intrigued and mystified by the savage and unjust times in which they lived. 
The Romans were very imaginative, they conjured elaborate and imaginative ways of killing things. They even tied believers of Christ to the back of large tropical mammals, in an attempt to encourage lions to make spectacular attacks on both man and beast. 
Here is Aoibheann's rendition of 'Giant baby chewing off a giraffe's face'. You should have seen the terror in the giraffe's eyes. 
The Politicians are corrupt and useless, and God is an under-achiever. What is Superbaby to do? 
Next week, Superbaby attempts to fight the evil 'Sleep Demon' after a huge battle with the 'Breast-Milk Monster'. point out why Superman is so ridiculous 

Apart from the obvious underwear issue, Aoibheann would like to point out that Superman only ever resolves American problems in America, and he is never seen using his super powers to resolve the problems of developing countries. His priorities are all wrong. He should be digging for water in arid lands, growing rice, and fighting murderous dictators in Zimbabwe, not digging for the affections of a dull female reporter. 
However, Superbaby has decided to refrain from her 'Superhero duties' today because the world is too screwed up. As soon as she fixes it, someone out there goes and kicks the front door of justice in and let's the immoral 'Lex Luther Monkey' in again.  

Amazing Lamaze 

Colourful; Creative; Fun: What more could a girl want from a toy? 
Lamaze never fail to impress Aoibheann. She always welcomes new stuff from these guys, even if it does resemble the effects of psychedelic enhancing drugs. 

Clarks For First 

Although expensive, Aoibheann likes the friendly fitting aspect for her very first set of shoes. 

Hugo Boss 

Aoibheann just loves the cut of the SS uniforms. Unlike Jesus, who was so scruffy in his tatty robes and his sandals, the Nazis looked so bloody smart in their sharp suits and their shiny boots. 
Of course, the unjust irony is, Jesus wouldn't have gained entry into an exclusive nightclub, but Hitler would've. 

Mr Bump 

Although perceived quite negatively as a bit of a clumsy hypochondriac fuckwit, Mr Bump just gets out of bed and gets back on that horse. He doesn't scrounge or claim disability living allowance. No matter what shit life throws at Mr Bump, he always has a positive outlook on life; keeps smiling and just battles through it, despite costing the NHS a fuckin' fortune. 

Game of Thrones 

Possibly, one of the greatest series of our time. And, in HD, it gets even better. 


Deep, meaningful books with happy endings. 
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